


Curses and Blessings

by QianLan



Series: Soulmates [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Finn-centric, M/M, finn's pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-08-12 09:44:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7929952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QianLan/pseuds/QianLan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At birth, you’re born with a name that is different from any other name given to you.  It’s a name that you—and you alone—know.  </p><p>And you carry that name with you—guarding it, holding it close—until the day someone else calls you by that name.  On that day, you know you’ve met your soulmate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Curses and Blessings

 

As far as FN-2187 knows, it happens to everyone.

 

At birth, you’re born with a name that is different from any other name given to you.  It’s a name that you—and you alone—know.  A name you feel down deep in your soul, as if it is a part of you.  _And_ , FN-2187 figures, _it is_.

 

Some Stormtroopers claim that the name has a special meaning.  Others say that it’s your fate—leading you down a particular path in life.  Still others claim that it is a curse, a secret you are burdened with that you will most likely never get to share.

 

 _That’s the thing,_ FN-2187 thinks.  _One man’s curse is another man’s blessing_. 

 

He often wonders which his name will turn out to be.

 

He turns this over in his mind without ever letting the name reach the surface of his consciousness.  He knows his _true_ name, as it’s called.  Everyone knows theirs.  But no one ever speaks it aloud, at least not until... 

 

It’s the most carefully guarded part of your existence.  There are rumors that if you say it, you’ll jinx the spell.  Nines says he heard of a trooper who said it out loud and then died.  FN-2187 remembers a commander who talked about Resistance soldiers who killed themselves rather than reveal their true names to interrogators.  Whether the rumors are true or not, everyone protects their real name.  It is something precious. 

 

Because you carry the name with you—guarding it, holding it close—until the day someone else calls you by that name.  On that day, you know you’ve met your soulmate.

 

There’s never any explanation as to how that one being knows your true name; they simply do, and they will feel compelled to call you by that name, even if you’ve given them another.  They’ll call you by your true name and you’ll call them by theirs, and a link will be made.  FN-2187 smiles at the thought of that: someone else out there connected to him, looking out for him, loving him.

 

Even though the First Order says the rumors are false, that there is no such thing as soulmates and true names are a manifestation of collective hysteria, they can’t keep the Stormtroopers from talking.  Late at night or out on maneuvers, troopers tell stories: stories of soul mates speaking each other’s true names.  The trooper who turns to his new partner and says what he fears is the wrong name—some nonsensical thing—only to have his partner say a name back, a name the trooper has never heard before and yet a name the trooper has held in his heart since before he could remember.

 

FN-2187 likes those stories, likes to wonder what it would feel like to meet someone who understands him, someone who fit.  At times like this, for FN-2187, his true name is full of hope.  He believes one day it will set him free.

 

 _Of course_ , FN-2187 thinks at other times _, it really doesn’t matter for us_.  The First Order doesn’t believe in soulmates.  It doesn’t believe in true names.  Heck, it doesn’t believe in names, really.  It believes in unwavering loyalty to the cause.  Anything else is treason. 

 

FN-2187 frowns.  _They’re afraid,_ he thinks.  _Names have so much power.  Would I be the same person I am now if I wasn’t FN-2187?_

 

FN-2187 doesn’t remember the name he had been given at birth, although he is sure there had been one.  He can feel it.  There had been parents and a name and love long before he’d become a Stormtrooper.  He knows it in his soul.  He guards that knowledge in the vault right next to his true name.

 

For now, though, he is simply FN-2187.

 

He doesn’t even have a nickname, but perhaps that is for the best.  With nicknames, you are veering dangerously close to true name territory.

 

Slip says he heard of a trooper who found his soulmate in training.  The other trooper had been joking around, decided to give his partner a nickname, and the true name slipped out.  Slip says that the two were sent to reconditioning and he never saw them again.

 

 _No, better not to have a nickname_.  Nicknames are too chancy, and FN-2187 doesn’t want his soulmate to die.

 

That’s how he fights the loneliness; that’s how he makes it all right.  He tells himself that if he gets too close to someone else, he’s taking a risk.  _Better to be all alone.  Better to keep my true name buried deep inside._

_Definitely a curse,_ he decides.

 

**# # # #**

 

They are careening through space, shots shaking the TIE fighter.  The adrenaline he felt blowing up the canon is still coursing through FN-2187’s veins.

 

“Hey, what’s your name,” the prisoner asks.  _Such a simple request, but so loaded…_

 

He answers automatically, “FN-2187.”

 

“F…What?”

 

“That’s the only name they ever gave me.”  _I have others, but either I don’t remember them or they aren’t to share._

 

“Well, I ain’t using it.  FN, huh?  Finn, I’m gonna call you Finn.  Is that all right?”

 

_Finn._

 

He’s never heard anyone say it out loud before.  He’s always known the name, known what it had to sound like, but now, hearing it…  His mouth is moving, “Finn.  Yeah.  Finn.  I like that.”

 

The other man says, “I’m Poe.  Poe Dameron.”

 

“Good to meet you, Poe.”

 

“Good to meet you too, Finn.”

 

**# # # #**

 

It isn’t until FN-2187 wakes up alone in the desert that he begins to process what happened.

 

“Poe,” he screams.  _Poe, you said my true name._

 

It’s worse than reconditioning.  With reconditioning, he would’ve lost his soulmate, but he wouldn’t remember.  Now…  _Surely the universe wouldn’t give me a soulmate only to take him away._   He grasps the jacket. 

 

**# # # #**

 

When she asks his name, he says it out loud, “Finn.”  He loves the way it sounds on his tongue, loves hearing other people say it. 

 

There’s a power in having this name, in owning it and making it his own.  Finn smiles as he says it again, but deep down, he feels cheated.  The name is supposed to come with something.  It’s supposed to be a link to a future that Finn knows he’s never going to have.

 

 _Is it a blessing or a curse_ , he thinks, wondering why some people get their happily ever afters and others…don’t.

 

**# # # #**

 

When he sees Poe on the tarmac, he runs to him.  They grasp each other, and Finn has to fight the urge to press his lips to Poe’s and pull him closer.  At the very least, he wants to tell him, thank Poe for setting his true name free. 

 

But a sickening thought stops him: _I didn’t say anything back.  I’ve only ever called him Poe.  What if I’m not his soulmate?  What if this is some sick joke the universe is playing on me?  What if it really is a curse?_

 

Finn takes a deep breath and asks Poe for help.  “We need to find Rey.”

 

His Stormtrooper training kicks in.  _Better to be all alone.  Better to keep the truth buried deep inside._

 

**# # # #**

 

Finn can hear the noise of legs rustling about, whispered voices, droids and machines.  He takes in a breath and a cold pain starts filling his system.  Memories flash through his mind: Rey getting thrown like a rag doll into the air.  Kylo Ren screaming.  Han Solo falling from the bridge.  The red glow of a lightsaber.  The chill of the snow.  He needs to open his eyes.  He needs to get away from the sound of the lightsaber cutting into his shoulder, the sick sense that Rey is going to die out there in the snow.

 

He whimpers.

 

A soothing voice is suddenly at his ear.  “It’s okay, Finn.”  A warm hand takes his.  “You’re okay.”  The hand squeezes his.  “You made it back.  You’re safe.  Rey’s safe.  You saved the galaxy.”  _Poe_ , he thinks, filled with a warmth that temporarily makes him forget the pain.

 

He means to say Poe—he really does—instead it comes out, “Z’twal.”

 

The hand holding his lets go.  Finn’s eyes flutter open.  Poe is standing next to his bed.  He looks like he’s been awake for a week—there are bags under his eyes and his skin is pale.  But more than that, Poe’s mouth is open and his eyes are wide.  “Finn?”

 

“Water,” Finn manages. 

 

Poe shakes himself out of his stupor and grabs a glass of water on the table next to Finn’s bed.  He helps Finn drink it, and then he looks around.  “I should find Dr. Kalonia.”  He practically runs out of the room.

 

_Did I say something wrong?_

 

**# # # #**

 

Over the next week, most of the Resistance base finds a reason to stop by Finn’s room, but one person is conspicuously absent.  Poe Dameron hasn’t been back since Finn woke up.

 

Finn wouldn’t care; he’d already made up his mind to ignore the nagging sensation that keeps telling him he should talk to Poe, tell Poe the truth.  But the thing is, now, Finn can actually feel it.  It’s like there’s a part of him missing.  He knows in his gut that Poe should be here next to him, but for some reason he isn’t.  Finn frowns.  “Z’twal,” he says out loud. 

 

One of the droids that is forever checking on him comes in.  “Do you know what Z’twal means?”

 

The droid replies, “Negative,” and continues monitoring his condition. 

 

 _Curse_ , Finn thinks.  It’s becoming a familiar refrain in his head.

 

**# # # #**

 

It takes three weeks for Finn to be released from medical, and even though the General has told him he isn’t obligated to stay, Finn likes the idea of trying to stop the First Order.  He feels compelled to make sure no one else is kidnapped and brainwashed like he was.  He doesn’t want any other children growing up without a name, without the possibilities that true names are supposed to hold.

 

 _Even though it didn’t work out for me_ , he thinks.

 

Soon, he has a room and some new clothes and he’s been assigned to shadow various officers until he finds his niche.  He starts settling into life on the Resistance base.  And while he sees Poe Dameron from time to time, it is clear that the pilot is avoiding him.

 

Finn wants to shrug it off _.  We didn’t really know each other that well to begin with.  I mean_ , he thinks to himself, _we spent, what? Twenty minutes together before Jakku and maybe another hour here on D’Qar before Starkiller.  That’s not a relationship_.

 

But Finn knows he’s lying to himself.

 

He’s never felt something with as much certainty as he knows that Poe Dameron needs to be a part of his life.  _I mean after all, he’s my…_   Finn never allows himself to finish that thought.

 

So Finn does his research.  He talks to the pilots and the General.  He finds out about Poe Dameron—where he’s from, what he’s been doing with his life.  He tries to figure out why saying _Z’twal_ was so upsetting to Poe.  And he refuses to dwell on the most obvious answer—that it is Poe’s true name—because then, Poe’s behavior would seem to indicate that he didn’t want Finn as his soulmate, and Finn just can’t accept that as a possibility yet.

 

He cries himself to sleep more than once, hating his name, hating that this is what it has reduced him to.  He’s always assumed that finding his soulmate would be wonderful, easy—that’s how all the stories tell it—he doesn’t count on confusion and anger and uncertainty _.  One man’s blessing is another man’s curse_ , he thinks ruefully. 

 

 _Curse_ , the thought that won’t leave him alone.

 

Finn throws himself into his work, trying to ignore the hollow feeling inside him.  He also does more research. Finn learns a few words in any language anyone on base will teach him, and no matter who he asks, no one knows the word _Z’twal_.  When he learns that Poe is from Yavin 4, he looks up all the local languages there too.  None of them have a word that is even close to _Z’twal_ , so he hasn’t inadvertently offended Poe in his mother tongue. 

 

And they definitely believe in soulmates there—Finn reads story after story of true name meetings on Yavin 4.  They’re like fairy tales: comforting and reliable.  They help him on those dark days when Finn desperately fights against believing his true name is a curse.

 

But after a while, even the fairy tales aren’t helping.

 

**# # # #**

 

Just when Finn is ready to give up, concede, and let Poe Dameron drift out of his life, the pilots decide to hold a party.

 

Finn never quite figures out what it’s for, but there’s plenty of drinking and dancing and a lot of spice being passed around.

 

When Finn feels he’s had enough to drink to fortify him for what he needs to do next, he slips out of the party.  He’d watched Poe bow out of the festivities earlier.

 

Now, he walks to Poe’s room and knocks on the door, confident that Poe is in.  “Poe.  Poe, I know you’re in there.”

 

As the door slides open, Poe puts on a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.  “Finn, buddy!  How can I help you?”

 

Finn pushes past Poe and walks into the room.  “We need to talk.”

 

“We do?”

 

Finn crosses his arms.  “Poe, you’ve been avoiding me and I want to know why.”

 

Poe looks down at his boots.  “Look, Finn, I’m sorry about that…It’s just that…Kriff,” Poe walks to his bed and sits down, “I thought if I left you alone, it would make it easier.”

 

“Make what easier, Poe?”

 

Poe looks up at him.  “You still don’t know, do you?”

 

“Know what?”  Finn lets out a sigh.  “Poe, there are a lot of things I have to play catch up about here, but I don’t think I’m as thick headed as this conversation is making me out to be.”

 

Poe shakes his head.  “No, you’re not.  It’s me…I’m not doing a good job of this.  It’s just that I know that people can get worked up over all of this soulmate stuff and I figured, you’re an ex-Stormtrooper, so you probably don’t know about—”

 

“I know about soulmates, Poe.”

 

“Oh.”  Poe bites his lip and stands up.  He walks to Finn, putting his hands on Finn’s shoulders.  “Look, you don’t have to worry about me.  I’m not going to make it awkward for you.  Just because you knew my name, it doesn’t have to mean anything, and I’m not going to pressur—”

 

Finn closes the space between them and kisses Poe, surprising both of them.

 

It’s awkward and halting and nothing like what Finn expected it to be, but it’s also glorious and wonderful and it makes his stomach flutter in a way he thought he’d spend his lifetime without feeling.

 

When they finally come up for breath, both of them panting, Poe breathes out, “Not that I’m complaining, but where in the galaxy did that come from?”

 

“Your name, it’s Z’twal, isn’t it?”  


“Yeah,” Poe says blushing, still getting a thrill out of hearing someone say it out loud.

 

“Dammit, Poe.  Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“Because I didn’t know your name.  I didn’t want to make things awkward.”

 

Finn closes his eyes, shaking his head.  “My name is Finn, Poe.”

 

“Yeah, I know.”

 

Finn sighs.  “Poe?”  Finn’s eyes get wider.  _You aren’t this stupid, Poe._

 

“OH,” Poe says.  “Your _name_ is Finn.”  Poe stumbles to his bed and sits down.

 

“Yeah,” Finn says, smiling.

 

“Finn,” Poe repeats, as if the word holds some magic in it.  He looks up.  “But why didn’t you say something?”

 

“We were kind of getting shot at, Poe.”

 

“I mean after.”

 

Finn chuckles, kneeling in front of Poe.  “I didn’t want to make things awkward.  Because I didn’t know your name.”

 

Poe throws back his head and laughs.  “Oh, stars, Finn!  I’ve been beside myself for weeks.  Miserable!  It felt like someone had cut a hole in my chest.”

 

“Me too, you nerf-herder!”

 

“I’m so sorry,” Poe says.  “I was scared.”

 

Finn closes his eyes.  _So scared I was cursed_.

 

Finn opens his eyes as Poe takes Finn’s hands in his.  “Nice to meet you, Finn.”

 

“Nice to meet you too, Z’twal.”

 

As they drift back into each other with a long, slow kiss that seems to last for days, the last coherent thought Finn has is that the reality might be a lot messier than the stories he’s heard, but that’s what makes it better. 

 

 _I broke the curse_ , he thinks, leaning in to kiss his soulmate again.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr: @cha-llamala


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